Daycare transition update

On daycare, separation, and becoming more myself

Another mom sent me a DM a couple of weeks ago.

“…when she looked up she saw me and immediately burst into tears and started crying “mamaaa” and was inconsolable in my arms for almost 10 minutes. It broke my heart…I’m sorry for the rant, I think I’m just hoping to get reassurance that it’ll get better for both of us, seeing that you’ve already gone through the transition period at daycare.“

I thought back 3 months to when my boys started at daycare. The first day at pick up my husband and I went into the classroom to find one of our boys sitting on a toddler sized chair staring at the wall with a blank face. Red raccoon rings around his eyes told me he had just been crying. Our other boy was standing next to him with his arms wrapped around his brother like a koala in danger, actively sobbing. The moment they looked up and saw my husband and I in the doorway, they both bent to their knees and broke down.

Just recalling that moment, my heart tightens and my eyes well. The transition to daycare hurt more than I thought it would. (Spoiler, my twins absolutely love daycare now and it took a turn for the better around 3 weeks.)

The night before their first day, I laid out their outfits and packed everything they needed by the door. I finished the Substack post I was working on all week, pouring out all my fears and feelings about daycare. I hit Publish and waited. I waited for the wave of catharsis and release, but it never came. Rather, hitting Publish felt like boarding up the last window to prepare for a storm about to hit.

The next morning, I woke up a little too early and we fumbled through our new routine. We somehow made it to daycare without forgetting anything and we showed the boys their cubbies and hyped up their classroom. After a few moments we waved goodbye. The boys were so intrigued by the novelty of everything, they didn’t even realize we were gone until we were. No tears, no whining. It wasn’t within their realm of possibility for Mama & Papa to leave their side.

My husband and I grabbed breakfast sandwiches at a local cafe and found seats outside on the patio. I stared at the empty double stroller holding my sandwich and with every bite, I drifted further away from the present.

If they’re not here with us, then how will I know how they’re doing?

If they’re not here with us, then how will I know what they’re feeling?

Are they doing okay? Is it too much?

And if they’re not here with us, then they are being cared for by someone else. And if they’re being cared for by someone else, then,

who am I?

An hour had passed and the table suddenly began to vibrate. My phone was ringing and the screen said Daycare. I immediately picked up.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, yes everything is okay. I just forgot to ask if they ate anything before coming in this morning.”

“Oh yes, they did have a bit of breakfast. How are they doing?”

“They are doing well! They have been crying on and off but they have been hugging and comforting each other.” Twins can be so chaotic, I often forget how beautiful it is that they’ll always have each other. They didn’t used to be so affectionate towards each other, so I like to joke that they trauma bonded after daycare.

The first day was bad, the second day was worse, and the third day was somehow worse than that. Already by the second morning, they caught on quick and they begged us not to go. I bit back tears, put on my brave face and tried to take my own advice when I knelt down and told each of them, “You can do this! Remember, I’m always right here.” as I pointed to his heart.

By the fourth day, I was feeling raw inside so instead of daycare we took a detour to our local EarlyON.

“Tell me how daycare is going!!” I got close to the woman who runs the EarlyON over the summer and I was so relieved to hear her voice. I quickly grasped onto the familiarity.

“It’s not going well.” Barely making it two sentences in, I began releasing all the tears I didn’t shed at daycare. She comforted, encouraged and validated me and helped me reset my expectations.

She told me, “It depends on each baby but it can often times take a month and sometimes longer for them to adjust. You all can do it!”

I dried my tears and got up from the padded puzzle mat. The only way was through. So I packed them back in their stroller and headed to daycare.

Later that morning my phone rang. Even now, whenever I see Daycare calling on my phone, my stomach churns afraid of what’s waiting for me on the other side.

“Your son has a fever over 100. Let us know when you can pick him up.”

I had been waiting for this call. My babies’ immune systems didn’t stand a chance against their obsessive need to lick everything. It’s just that out of all the sicknesses he could have licked first, why did it have to be Hand Foot and Mouth Disease?

The disease was as bad as it sounds. After one boy got it, the second boy was a fast follow and I fell victim too. They cried with every bite, developed a bad diaper rash and had tiny blisters on their hands. My mouth had over a dozen canker sores and the pain traveled to my ears. Thankfully my husband didn’t get sick, although he ended up becoming the primary caregiver for us all.

Before each sleep I prayed we would turn the corner. And then one day the blisters finally cleared, sleep stretched and eating was back to regular programming. A few more days after that, the begging at drop off began to taper. They started running up to the classroom door to bang on it impatiently, demanding to be let in. The crying at pick up became clumsy runs into my open arms and the biggest grins I’ve ever seen. I held them tight and let myself cry on the playground. I was afraid of how we were going to weather the storm and I was reminded that we always do.

I once read somewhere that when babies are born they think their mother is an extension of themselves. Daycare felt like the first time it was really demonstrated how separate we really are. He is his own person. And he is his own person. And I am my own person.

It may sound obvious, but sometimes the most obvious are the things most easily missed.

Those first few weeks were overwhelming and at risk of sounding dramatic, torturous. Not only was I worried about them while they were away, for the past year and a half I was their entire world and they were mine. I was mourning the time we had together where we all grew into ourselves a little more. As I anticipated my return to work, it felt like wading from the protected shallow end of the pool into the cold deep end. I wasn’t sure if I remembered how to tread water.

And so if they’re being cared for by someone else, then,

who am I?

I have been back at work for two months now. I am who I was, but I am different too. I am more hopeful, more emotional, more direct, more passionate, more spiritual, more chill. I’d say that maybe I’m a pinch wiser and a lot more…well, just a lot more myself.

While I was pregnant, I worried how I would handle the identity shift and I wondered if motherhood would consume me or if I would lose a sense of self.

Motherhood though is giving me both clarity in nuance and panoramic expansiveness. (Quick sidebar that only with proper support and resources and a job I love, am I able to let motherhood be expansive in the way it has been. I do not believe the system is set up to create space for mothers and although it shouldn’t have to be a privilege, I do acknowledge mine)

I used to be stuck in this loop of comparison and people pleasing. Afraid to stray from “normal” or be too loud. I let my fear of how others perceive me limit me. But I created, birthed and am raising two children at the same time. No one can make me feel small, not even the capitalist, imperialist, fascist agenda I’ve been indoctrinated by (another post for another day…). I believe in growth and evolution in my lifetime.

Becoming a mother was a catalyst but not a pre-requisite. I am realizing that it’s just simply about love. Modern western society creates more economic value if you don’t understand love. Love your partner, love your parents, love your sibling, love your neighbour, love your friend, love your friend’s child, love your own child so much that you truly and deeply love yourself with immense grace. From this place of being, you can do so much.

When my little family wakes up, we eat breakfast (ie my husband and I chase the twins around and don’t end up eating anything ourselves) and prepare for the big day ahead. My son will probably paint popsicle sticks and my other son will probably go up and down the slide a million times. My husband and I will write a slew of Slack messages. And then we’ll come home to our evening routine for baths, dinner and snuggles and remind each other of what really matters. Whatever the weather, we will always be together.

I responded to the mom in my DMs,

“…daycare is a big change for everyone and change is hard. The tears are temporary. It may feel like forever but you just take it one day at a time. Oh, and don’t forget her favourite stuffy ❤️”

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Thank you for reading and being a part of my little circle, it means a lot to have a space to share this journey so openly.

I also wanted to say a special thank you to my husband. He does it all and more and then more on top of that. It is not easy finding pockets to write now that I’m back at work (and I’m a very slow writer) but he does so much cleaning and prep if it means making space for me to put my thoughts into words. I love you!

Okay one last thing for the readers who are IN it right now and are interested in the details of our transition:

• The boys were 15 months in an 18m - 2.5 yr old classroom

• We dropped from 2 naps to 1 at daycare cold turkey, best decision for us

• We did 1.5 hours first day, then 2 hours, then 3 hours. Got sick, and then stayed at 3 hours until we felt comfortable doing the nap there (brought their sleep sacks from home)

• Stuffed animals

• Tried different times at drop off to see if they adjusted better before or after all the other kids arrive

• Our boys took a while to adjust to the food and wouldn’t eat, so at pick up bring lots of snacks that they like sometimes we would give them part of their dinner early

• Trust the process <3 message me/comment if you have specific questions, I'll do what I can to help!