Sweetness & Joy

Trying not to fall apart on the first day of daycare

My 15 month old twins start daycare tomorrow. I sent a photo to my mother-in-law recently. One of my boys had a big gaping smile and the other a toothless classy grin with his arm wrapped a little too tight around his brother.

“Sweetness and joy.” she texted back.

I couldn’t help but cry. Sweetness and joy. It sounds silly because those are such generic words, but sweetness perfectly describes my boy who is sensitive and affectionate and joy perfectly describes my boy that finds a little mischief and humour in everything. Hearing my world be summarized so simply unlocked a wave of complicated emotions I didn’t realize I was holding about ending my maternity leave.

Before having kids I didn’t know much about daycares except that waitlists are ridiculously long. I didn’t know the cost, the considerations or anything about the feelings and emotions that come with this step. Daycare and returning to work isn’t more dramatic than giving birth, but in some ways it feels equally emotional. We’ll be going from being each other’s entire world and spending 13 hours a day together, down to 2. That’s a lot of change for them and for us.

There are so many contradicting feelings I have so to keep calm I’ve been focusing on logistics — buying new clothes, backpacks, and shoes, labeling water bottles and filling out forms. But my boys start daycare tomorrow and I start work in a month (so we can have a chance to ride out illnesses and lack of sleep). I’m suddenly realizing the best way for me to be prepared is to meet up with my feelings instead of keeping a step ahead.

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I am nervous about how painful it will be to drop my boys off at daycare for the first time. If he cries and reaches out for us to come back, are we supposed to just leave him there? I don’t know if I can bear to turn my back on him and leave him with strangers if he’s upset. What if he thinks we are abandoning him because of something he did? It’s been a bittersweet experience having twins but in this moment I am so thankful they have each other.

A quote I found a bit of comfort in said, “One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the knowledge they will be OK without you.” And even though my boys can’t speak yet, I see that they are aware of their surroundings and routines. When we put on their sleep sacks they walk to the bedroom door. When they like a food I give them, they sign for more. And with that same awareness, they’ll soon learn that when they get dropped off at daycare we will always be there to pick them up.

I think it’s worth mentioning that this is also where a bit of guilt is introduced. At what age is this lesson on independence meant to be learned? 3 months? 15? 3 years? Government policies and what is normalized in society is intentional and oftentimes not built with the health of families at its core.

With all that said, I also feel as ready as I’ll ever be to return to work. The idea of talking to adults with words and not grunts or babbles is exhilarating albeit daunting. I may regret saying this later, but I am looking forward to getting dressed and going into the office. I am excited to use my brain differently than I have while on maternity leave. And having a bit of personal space feels forbidden. I have so much respect and admiration for people who are stay at home parents. It is emotionally difficult to regulate your emotions while stressed, it is physically difficult to keep everyone alive and safe, and it is mentally difficult to run on little to no sleep and still show up early the next morning because you have no choice. It can be a thankless job and I don’t think I celebrated and appreciated my stay at home mom enough. Knowing myself and this time in my baby bubble, I do feel like I wouldn’t be my happiest as a full time stay at home mom.

And in that same vein, I also know my boys will be so happy to explore new things and be curious. I do my best but I am no Early Childcare Educator. When we visit our favourite local EarlyON, my boys immerse themselves in toys and love meeting other children. Daycare has so much to offer them, more than our living room and the same 5 books. I’m looking forward to hearing about their budding interests and who they gravitate towards. How will they support each other in new surroundings? This admission that they will thrive outside of our care makes me feel a sense of loss.

I feel grief. F*ck, I’m really going to miss them. Like a painful amount. Lately I find myself trying to memorize all the nuances of their expressions, the smell of the back of their neck and the squish of their chubby thighs so I can recreate what it’s like to hold them even when they’re not there. This period of intense dependency is coming to an end and I feel nostalgic. We’ve ate, napped, played and cried together. We’ve been inseparable for months and there were times when all I wanted was some space but now that it’s here, I want one more day. It feels like a part of me is being severed, like what it takes to propagate a tree.

As we all face this transition head-on I acknowledge that we have all grown. A lot. I feel more grounded and wise in what my priorities and values are, what my purpose is. And my babies have grown in their own way. They’ve tripled their weight and then some. They are technically no longer babies, they’re toddlers (but still they’ll always be my babies). And they have distinct personalities now with opinions and wants beyond their needs. We are taking this growth and what we have experienced together into the material world.

With this, I also feel dread. People talk about losing their identity when they become a mom, but I’m worried about losing my identity returning to work. I worry about juggling everything and failing. I’m scared that I’ll be overwhelmed and that the sickness will wear me down and I won’t show up for my family how I want to. I’m fearful of losing perspective, of being a hypocrite and not being present or intentional with our time which is unforgiving. But I also know that I’ve done really tough things this past 2 years and I’ve come out feeling more than whole. I trust that I’ll be able to reflect and pivot, to lean on my support system and take on whatever comes our way.

Holding space for all of these conflicting feelings is uncomfortable, my heart is imbalanced. Laying it all out here sort of makes me feel better but I’m still holding my breath for tomorrow morning. My husband and I have marked and visualized how the day will go and after drop off we’re going to get breakfast sandwiches and coffee and sit in our favourite park so we can have a good cry together.

Transitions are growth and growth is hard. I do and do not feel prepared for it. But I guess this is a feeling I am becoming more and more familiar with these days, as motherhood is a lifelong practice of being ready to not be ready. 🪷

Please wish us luck tomorrow. I hope that the boys have so much fun they don’t even realize we’re gone. And I am sending so much love and good energy to all the parents out there sending their little ones to daycare for the first time. We are thinking of you and I may not know you, but I am proud of you!